Call of Duty: Ghosts ABRIDGED

Call of Duty: Ghosts was a game that initially aroused none of my interest. After five straight games in as many years, I was burned out on the franchise. But the more I heard about this latest iteration the more ridiculous it seemed. It couldn't really be that over the top and xenophobic, right? I mean most of the other COD games are less jingoistic than they appear on the surface, at least overtly. My curiosity ultimately got the better of me, and I decided to watch a play through of the game, both because the series really has gotten to the point where the player's presence is ancillary to the whole experience and because I couldn't find a copy to rent anywhere near me. What I saw confirmed that yes, actually, it's not just as bad as you might have heard, it's worse.
The result is what you see before you, with much apologies to The Editing Room.

CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS ABRIDGED

THE CAST

LOGAN as MUTE PLAYER-CHARACTER

HESH as BORING BROTHER

ELIAS as GRUFF DAD

RORKE as BAD GUY

MERRICK as BEARD GHOST

KEEGAN as NO-BEARD GHOST

AJAX as BLACK GHOST

RILEY as DOG

COD: GHOSTS as A 12-YEAR-OLD CONSTANTLY CHUGGING MOUNTAIN DEW

And THE PLAYER as HIMSELF

EXT. SAN DIEGO

ELIAS is telling his sons LOGAN and HESH a story as they sit around in the woods with their dog RILEY.

ELIAS

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of badasses who killed so many guys and it was so hardcore the government let them form their own badass super-group called the Ghosts.

HESH

That’s true? Because if that was true and we’ve never heard of them, then you’re dropping some seriously classified stuff on us.

ELIAS

Well, I’d say it’s more true than you’d think. (Waggles eyebrows up and down like fifty times)

LOGAN

(Says nothing)

Suddenly, THE GROUND SHAKES AND EVERYTHING STARTS EXPLODING. To find out why, we go to…

EXT. SPACE – 15 MINUTES EARLIER

A pair of ASTRONAUTS are finishing up repairs on the controls for the massive ORBITAL SUPERWEAPON.

LADY ASTRONAUT

Welp, looks like this gigantic platform of death is ready to go and defend democracy, which is obviously the only thing it could ever be used for. Let’s head inside while I tell you about how great it will be to go back home.

As the astronauts enter the airlock, a group of EVIL FEDERATION ASTRONAUTS start shooting up the space station.

LADY ASTRONAUT

Oh no! The Federation broke the truce!

THE PLAYER

Wait, what truce? What’s the Federation?

            COD: GHOSTS

NO TIME FOR ANY OF THAT BORING BULLSHIT, WHAT IF GRAVITY HAD GUNS IN IT?!?!?!

The FEDERATION manages to use the ORBITAL DEATH CANNON to level all of the southwestern US. Back on the ground, LOGAN AND FRIENDS manage to escape by recyclinganimation from Modern Warfare 2 as TITLE ROLLS.

EXT. RUINED L.A. – TEN YEARS LATER

HESH (V.O.)

The Federation formed when the Middle East exploded for no good reason and South America united under one nation, which is totally a thing that could happen because they’re all brown and speak the same language so what’s the difference. They stole our totally benign superweapon and used it to level half the country, so finally we’ve managed to concoct a scenario where America can actually be considered the underdogs in an international conflict. Sort of. Not really.

THE PLAYER

Wait, why haven’t we nuked the shit out of the Federation by now? There’s no way we wouldn’t launch a retaliatory strike after losing millions of citizens in an attack like that, and most of our missiles are on subs so they wouldn’t be affected by the attacks. Plus you guys keep mentioning NORAD all the time, so it’s not like communications broke down.

COD: GHOSTS

(Sweats profusely)

THE PLAYER

Do we have to bend reality this far to make our military seem heroic at this point?

COD: GHOSTS

UHHHHH….HEY LOOK, THE DOG’S PLAYING FETCH!

While out on patrol, HESH throws the ball for RILEY to catch.

THE PLAYER

D’awwwww, okay.

RANDOM SOLDIER ON THE RADIO

Logan, Hesh, the Feds have scouting parties all over the outside of the wall. They’re murdering civilians for no reason at all!

HESH

Wait, seriously, we call them Feds? And my brother and I were basically raised by our dad to be preppers…is this just a super cheap way to draw in the crazy right wing fans who still think Obama’s a secret Muslim?

RANDOM SOLDIER

(Sweats profusely over the radio)

LOGAN AND HESH repel the enemy attack and drive through a ruined LA to where their DAD has set up shop.

ELIAS

Sons, I love you both. You’re all I have left in this world. And to express that love I’m going to try and train you to become ultra badasses so you can constantly put yourself in harm’s way in the most ridiculous fashion.

HESH

I love you dad.

LOGAN

(Says nothing)

ELIAS

Okay boys, you’ve got one more test.

LOGAN

Test? Oh man, are we being auditioned for the Ghosts? Dad, are you a Ghost?!

ELIAS

WHAT NO SHUT UP THAT’S CRAZY. (Coughs) Ah heh. Hahaha. Of course not son. Don’t be silly. I want you to head back home to figure out why the Federation is swarming all over the place. My guess is they’re trying to jump the line for next year’s Comic-Con passes.

HESH

The bastards! Is there no evil they won’t commit in their search for…whatever?

ELIAS

Nope. They’re basically Nazis at this point.

EXT. SAN DIEGO

HESH, LOGAN, and RILEY creep through the tall grass.

HESH

Okay Logan, use this PDA to direct Riley and have him kill those patrolling soldiers.

THE PLAYER

Hang on, Riley controls exactly like a drone in any other Call of Duty. I might as well be piloting a small furry tank.

RILEY THROAT-RIPS his way past waves and waves of enemies until they come across an enemy CAMP. A guy with a southern accent and a do-rag/turban thing –RORKE- is berating a captive Ghost, AJAX.

RORKE

No point in resisting, Ajax. Just accept your fate. You’re the black guy. You’re doomed.

AJAX

Nice try, Rorke, you bastard. COD games have had plenty of black characters who’ve survived all the way through their games. Just look at Sergeant Foley from Modern Warfare 2 and…uh…shit.

RORKE

Exactly. And this is the most movie-like of all the Call of Duties, so guess what?

RORKE hauls AJAX off to a ruined stadium and as HESH and LOGAN pursue they find themselves attacked by a pack of WOLVES, but are saved by a pair of GHOSTS, MERRICK and KEEGAN.

MERRICK

Yo idiots, you’re welcome. You’re going to help us rescue Ajax now. Shut up and do what we say and maybe you’ll get to lick my boots.

HESH

You guys are so fucking cool.

EXT. RUINED STADIUM

KEEGAN

Logan, use this robotic sniper I was storing all the way up my butthole to cover us as we storm the place. It can cover us from multiple impossible angles throughout the stadium because of the little legs I attached to it. Have I mentioned we’ve been forced to drink our own pee for weeks at a time while operating out in No Man’s Land?

LOGAN shoots his way through the stadium, though occasionally he has RILEY rip enemy throats to add some spice to the proceedings. RILEY is functionally INVINCIBLE, so there’s no penalty or tension involved in using him a lot, so conceivably one could THROAT-RIP their way through EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING.

MERRICK

Welp, Ajax is dead. And he was the only black guy left in the entire army. Darn.

HESH

Hey, check out these plans for something called Operation Homecoming. But what could that mean? What on Earth could an invading army led by a former US soldier possibly be up to with a mission whose name references-

COMMANDER VOICE ON RADIO

Oh shit dudes, they’re invading LA!

HESH ET AL.

WHAT NO WAY.

EXT. LA BEACHHEAD

LOGAN, RILEY, AND HESH arrive back in LA to see that everything is pretty much FUCKED, and do their best to hold off the Federation by engaging in some REVERSE NORMANDY ACTION.

RANDOM SOLDIER #23

So wait, are we the Nazis now? Because we’re in the bunker shooting at the dudes on the beach and we did have that superweapon straight out of a Bond movie- (Takes a bullet to the neck) ACK!

 LOGAN AND HESH head back to their DAD’S command center to find the place trashed and an evil GAS MASK DUDE lying in wait. They barely manage to escape and are brought aboard a chopper by a team of GHOSTS.

HESH

What are you doing? Our dad could still be down there, we have to go back!

GHOST

That won’t be necessary.

The GHOST removes his mask and reveals himself as ELIAS WHOOOOOAAAHHHHHH!

HESH

(Totally deadpan) Dad, you were a Ghost? All this time…

  

ELIAS

Good work boys. You’ve graduated from aping I Am Legend to our highest level of operations: Total Random Bullshit.

EXT. CARACAS, VENEZUELA – 12 YEARS AGO

ELIAS (V.O.)

Rorke is a bad guy now because of a mission we did back in the early days of the Federation. They were going full on Final Solution to all Americans in their territory, so it was our job to kill their leader GENERAL ALMAGRO. Rorke became obsessed with killing this guy, but unfortunately I confused his bloodlust for some good old-fashioned patriotic zeal. My bad.

ELIAS, RORKE, KEEGAN, MERRICK, and AJAX fight their way through the streets of Caracas until a Federation missile launcher blows up the DAM and floods the whole city.

THE PLAYER

Okay, I guess the orbital superweapon makes a bit more sense now. If we knew these guys were being so cartoonishly villainous first it’s a bit more acceptable. I think.

COD: GHOSTS

SHUT UP AND FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL THESE FLOODED BUILDINGS. THAT PAKISTAN MISSION IN BLOPS 2 WAS PRETTY SWEET WASN’T IT?

ELIAS AND RORKE kill GENERAL ALMAGRO but end up in a chopper teetering over the water, with Elias desperately clinging to Rorke’s hand. THE PLAYER must let RORKE go because if they don’t they just die and get plopped back at the part where they have to let RORKE fall because they aren’t playing the movie right damn it.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER- CARACAS, VENEZUELA, PRESENT DAY

HESH (V.O.)

Rorke was hunting Ghosts because he’d been turned by the Federation. He was captured after that mission and stuck in a hole in the Amazon because I guess we’re trying to make the “Torturous, Genocidal South American” a stereotype now. We have to grab some random dude who was instrumental in convincing Rorke to join them. I think. Probably. I actually have no clue who this guy is or what he did.

LOGAN AND THE GHOSTS (which would be an awesome name for a band) zip-line and sneak their way down the side of a skyscraper during the Federation’s INDEPENDENCE DAY CELEBRATIONS.

COD: GHOSTS

HEY GUYS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL WAS PRETTY COOL WASN’T IT?

THE PLAYER

Uh, yeah, I guess.

LOGAN  and HESH get to the office of the RANDOM FEDERATION DUDE only to find it’s a TRAP set by RORKE who’s wired the whole building to blow.

COD: GHOSTS

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS COOL TRANSFORMERS 3 WAS COOL WHO WANTS TO SLIDE THROUGH A COLLAPSING OFFICE BUILDING I DO I DO I DO!!!!!!

The GHOSTS do JUST THAT before deploying their chutes and making a presumably clean and totally covert getaway despite landing in the middle of a CROWDED DOWNTOWN STREET in full TACTICAL GEAR in the middle of the 4^TH OF FUCKING JULY.

EXT. GULF OF MEXICO

RORKE is hiding out in some random factory, so THE PLAYER must pilot a CHOPPER to WRECK ALL HIS SHIT.

APACHE PILOTS

PEW PEW PEW

After a bunch of firefights through a BROWN and BORING factory from KILLZONE, the Ghosts grab Rorke and put him on a plane.

INT. CARGO PLANE

ELIAS punches RORKE a lot as the other GHOSTS look on. Torture has already been done so many times in Call of Duty that they don’t even get BONERS from it this time.

ELIAS

Put the ramp down, we can still milk a bit from Ghost Protocol!

RORKE

Mission Impossible, huh? That was always your problem, Elias, no vision. Now The Dark Knight Rises, there was a movie…

 A FEDERATION PLANE rises up behind the GHOSTS plane and does the thing from the opening of TDKR where it tows the other plane beneath it while dudes rappel down to rescue their leader.

COD: GHOSTS

YEAH GUYS DO YOU REMEMBER THAT PART? DO YOU REMEMBER IT? PRETTY SWEET HUH?

RORKE

(To Logan) You know kid, you’ve got a pretty mouth. Call me!

RORKE and the FEDERATION COMMANDOS escape as LOGAN falls to Earth and lands in some random jungle.

ELIAS

All right son, luckily you just happened to be wearing a radar watch on the plane despite not using it at all in the previous mission and the fact that you won’t ever touch it again in the game. There are enemy soldiers all over the place, but if you squint and pretend you’re playing Snake Eater you might be able to get to us without being detected.

After regrouping with the GHOSTS, LOGAN sees a missile test occurring right in front of them in the middle of the GODDAMN JUNGLE.

HESH

Wow, what a fortuitous turn of events that would give us a clue as to the Federation’s evil plan. Thanks, writers!

EXT. SECRET FEDERATION MOUNTAIN BASE

LOGAN, HESH, MERRICK, and KEEGAN steal the uniforms of a group of STORMTROOPERS FEDERATION SOLDIERS to sneak into an enemy base. This involves way more shooting and explosions than you’d normally associate with the word COVERT because Call of Duty.

THE PLAYER

You know, for a covert infiltration mission, we sure are getting in a lot of really loud firefights. Also remember when we were in a skyscraper that fucking collapsed into another building? This isn’t very Ghost-y, is all I’m saying.

COD: GHOSTS

YEAH BUT THEY TOOK OUT THE CAMERAS SO IT’S ALL GOOD, TOTALLY STEALTH. BESIDES WHAT’S THE POINT OF ALL THESE SWEET-ASS GUNS IF YOU DON’T GET TO USE THEM EVERY OTHER MINUTE?????

EXT. OIL PLATFORM – SOUTH POLE

ELIAS (V.O.)

So we found out the Federation is building its own kill-sats and also we found their satellite factory but instead of just carrying out one improbable and action-packed raid we’ll need to do three more to prepare for that raid in order to include all these set pieces the developers really, really wanted for the trailers. First you’re going to take out the Federation’s biggest oil platform, which just happens to be in the South Pole.

The GHOSTS breach through the ice and attack the oil platform, killing pretty much everyone along the way including the WORKERS and the FOREMAN who they force to help them blow up the plant.

THE PLAYER

Hey how come in Modern Warfare 2 when we assaulted an oil rig we were doing it to free hostages but now we’re just killing everyone, even the clearly innocent workers? This is like full on race war territory.

COD: GHOSTS

STOP BELLYACHING AND GET TO THE CHOPPER YOU PUSSY EVERYTHING IS EXPLODING!!!!!

The GHOSTS explode the OIL RIG and presumably cause a MASSIVE SPILL that kills all the PENGUINS.

EXT. UNDERWATER

KEEGAN

Okay Logan, we’re going to take out an enemy battleship by hitting it with an explosive underwater because everyone thought it was really cool when we did the exact same thing in the previous game. Except this time there are sharks, so try not to look too appetizing.

LOGAN swims around and shoots at enemy divers in firefights that are EVEN LONGER and MORE TEDIOUS than normal since guns aren’t as good underwater.

EXT. SATELLITE FACTORY- NORTH OF RIO DE JANEIRO

The TEAM goes through the traditional “kill a few guys quietly then shoot everyone” shtick and then comes across a copy of the AMERICAN SUPERWEAPON but with SMALLER RODS. Don’t worry all you true-blooded Americans: there may be more of them brown folks, but their RODS aren’t nearly as BIG or POWERFUL as yours!

MERRICK

Sweet Jesus, they’ve been building their own kill-sats! The bastards! Ours was all in good fun but this is just going too far. Plus they’ve built like 20 of them, which clearly makes them at least 20 times more evil than we ever were.

The GHOSTS blow up the factory and escape in a CAR CHASE that ends with them getting picked up by an American SUB which would have to be able to FLY in order to get to them considering how far INLAND they are.

INT. LAS VEGAS SAFEHOUSE

ELIAS

Okay boys, Keegan’s off to meet with the president so in the meantime we can chill in our opulent Vegas crib, one of the few major American cities left untouched by the rampaging beast that is Call of Duty, so we should be totally fine. Also Riley’s back from…wherever.

HESH

Hey dad, does this place usually smell like poisonous fart gas?

ELIAS

Shit, it’s a trap! Riley, hideblargblargblarg…

LOGAN is rendered unconscious for like the FIFTIETH time in the past WEEK and wakes up to find himself, HESH, and ELIAS at the mercy of RORKE.

RORKE

Time for me to be one of those super sadistic villains this franchise seems to love for some stupid reason. Now I’ve got a potato peeler and the Glee box set here. Which boy do you want to go first Elias?

ELIAS

Dammit Rorke, you bastard, you were never a Ghost. Never ever.

RORKE

Yeah huh I was! In fact, you’re not the Ghost!

ELIAS

How dare you! I’m the Ghostiest Ghost to ever Ghost!

While RORKE and ELIAS engage in their DICK-MEASURING COMPETITION, LOGAN breaks free and tries to grab RORKE’S gun but he fails to disarm him.

RORKE

I like your energy kid! You apparently display some real spirit despite never talking and only doing exactly what you’re told. Actually, now the whole thing about me trying to make you work for me makes a whole lot more sense now.

RORKE shoots ELIAS a DOZEN TIMES right in the CHEST but ELIAS is decidedly NOT DEAD because he’s just that TOUGH.

ELIAS

(Coughing) I love you son. You kill dudes better than anyone else I know. I mean that.

RORKE shoots ELIAS in the head which is actually enough to kill him.

HESH

Noooooo, dad! I’ll fucking kill you Rorke, I’ll fucking kill you!

LOGAN

(Remains completely silent)

LOGAN, HESH, and MERRICK are rescued by KEEGAN and make their way out of the building only to find RILEY has been shot.

HESH

Nooooo, Riley! We can’t let you die, this mission is already way too heavily burdened with false maudlin tragedy! Logan, you’ll have to carry him out of here!

LOGAN is forced to pick up and put down RILEY constantly over the course of the next few firefights. The whole time the DOG is constantly WHIMPERING in the vain hope that you’ll finally FEEL something. FEEL, damn you, FEEEEEEEEL!

EXT. AMERICAN AIRCRAFT CARRIER

HESH (V.O.)

This is it. One last push to take control of the Federation satellites and keep them from blowing up America. This is a last ditch effort from our totally weakened military, which means all we have to rely on are our VTOL aircraft, an entire tank battalion we’re going to drop out of cargo planes, all our fighter jets, and a bunch of drones. Oh, and this aircraft carrier. But our invincible throat-ripping dog will have to stay behind, so really all bets are off.

Just as they’re about to fly off to battle, their AIRCRAFT CARRIER comes under attack from a massive FEDERATION FORCE.

COD: GHOSTS

ANOTHER YEAR ANOTHER AIRCRAFT CARRIER DEFENSE MISSION KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? WHY RIP OFF MOVIES WHEN YOU CAN JUST RIP OFF YOURSELF? THOUGH WE WILL BE RIPPING OFF MORE MOVIES SO DON’T CHANGE THAT CHANNEL FOLKS!

LOGAN AND HESH manage to make it off the ship just as the FEDERATION KILL SATS come online and start exploding EVERYTHING.

EXT. DESERT BASE

THE PLAYER is made to control a TANK in order to clear a path for the GHOSTS to launch a missile at something or other.

TANK COMMANDER

All right boys, let’s show those Battlefield douchebags how to really do tank warfare in the desert! Engage hyperdrive!

THE PLAYER screams across the desert at MACH FUCKING FIVE while firing a cannon that takes about HALF A SECOND to reload. They manage to thoroughly WRECK all of the Federation’s SHIT in like five minutes while LOGAN AND HESH fire a missile.

HESH

 Hey, Rorke is here and he’s trying to escape onboard a futuristic train! Come on bro, time to settle this score the only way we know how: an overwrought and totally outrageous set piece punctuated by samey firefights!

While LOGAN AND HESH make it aboard the UPSIDE-DOWN FUTURE TRAIN we cut to

EXT. SPACE AGAIN

A team of American ASTRONAUTS WITH GUNS attack the FEDERATION CONTROL SATELLITE which is itself defended by ASTRONAUTS WITH GUNS.

GUNSTRONAUT

Man, good thing these space suits control exactly like scuba gear and our guns magically work in a vacuum.

THE PLAYER’S GUNSTRONAUT assumes control of the Federation KILL-SATS and uses them to wipe out the Federation’s military in the desert.

GUNSTRONAUT

Yeah, that’ll show ‘em for building gigantic kill satellites! Man, now I understand why the Federation did this at the beginning of the game. Killing people with space-rods is super fun!

COMMAND

Gunstronauts, the Ghosts want you to target their position with kill rods!

GUNSTRONAUT    

WHAAAAAT NO WAY!

COD: GHOSTS

YEAH DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND OR WHAT?

INT. FUTURE TRAIN-15 MINUTES AGO

HESH AND LOGAN fight their way to the front of the train in firefights that are MARGINALLY MORE DIFFICULT because of the train swaying back and forth, but there are only like four of them so it’s okay.

HESH

Rorke you asshole let’s finish this!

RORKE

No way you whippersnapper! I’m the last dude and I’m super nuts, so you know what that means!

RORKE manages to overpower HESH and LOGAN but the SPACE RODS hit the train and send it into the river underneath. NONE of the three characters have any INJURIES at all and manage to engage in a prolonged FISTFIGHT while LOGAN fumbles with the revolver and shoots RORKE right in the chest with a big-ass bullet.

HESH

Finally, he’s for sure dead! No way he’s getting out of that one! In fact, it would be downright ludicrous for him to survive that level of abuse and still manage to claw his way to the surface from the bottom of this river!

HESH and LOGAN swim ashore and watch as the commandeered kill-sats blow the Federation navy the FUCK UP. The blinding flash is reminiscent of a second sun as hundreds, if not thousands, of lives are extinguished in an instant.

HESH

I’m proud of you, Logan.

ROLL CREDITS, then CUT back to riverbed. LOGAN and HESH are still propped against the rock where they were last seen as FOOTSTEPS are heard off-screen.

RORKE

Surprise! I’m totally still alive! In fact, I’m feeling better than ever! Watch how effortlessly I break your arm and drag you off!

HESH

Rorke, stop! What are you doing?

RORKE

This guy’s the perfect mix of blindly obedient and impossibly resilient! I’m going to super-torture him the same way it happened to me and turn him into a mindless killing machine that can shoot you guys instead of the Federation!

HESH

And you’re not going to kill me even though I’m like right over here and could easily radio in for help to stop you from getting away?

RORKE

Hell no! Who else are people supposed to play in the sequel? Now come on boy, you’re gonna squeal like a pig!

LOGAN is stuffed into a HOLE in the Infinity Ward parking lot until the next game comes out. He is promptly FORGOTTEN ABOUT as everyone moves on to the multiplayer and stays there for the next two years.