FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Fifteen: Poison Ivy

For some reason, now the UFLL are the only ones offering me any work. They must care about as much as I do who I shoot. As I enter the office, I overhear Gakumba and some South African lieutenant arguing. Gakumba launches into an "Africa for Africans" type spiel while the South African reminds him he's more focused on fighting the APR than actually helping anyone. I head into the room, and I'm informed, after the South African's called me "china" a few times, that the APR have been getting free food from some agribusiness because they've been protecting one of their farms. If I take out the irrigation system there, the company will apparently be convinced that the APR can't protect them and will stop giving them kickbacks. The South African calls me "china" a couple more times for good measure, and I accept the contract.

Michele calls once more and tells me to meet her near Pala, again really far away from my actual objective. I've decided that once I've completed this mission and gotten the last upgrade for my safehouse from her, I'm going to betray her as quickly as possible. She's proved herself too much of a liability, and is clearly also at least a little bit crazy. When I meet her, she says she wants a defoliant from a nearby chemical dump, so she can spray it over the farm I'm attacking and deprive the soldiers of their ground cover, because "the more of them that die, the happier I am." Seriously, who does that? She isn't doing this for any sort of compensation, either. Killing plants so I can wipe out a bunch of guards at a farm is how she gets her jollies. Very dangerous.

Sleep for a few hours, then head upriver to Mike's, clearing a checkpoint on the way. I buy the M-79 grenade launcher, which replaces my sidearm, and both upgrades for it. I store an AK, a pistol, and a flamethrower in my weapons crates so they'll be available at all of my safehouses, then set out with an AK, a flamethrower, and a grenade launcher. I head back downriver and manage to land quite close to the chemical dump.

It's dark now, and I decide to be at least a little subtle and avoid the main road. I follow the train tracks from the south, then as I unpause the game after taking some notes, I accidentally bump the grenade button. It's like I'm subconsciously TRYING to sabotage myself.

It actually ends up being a pretty good strategy, as it draws most of the guards out into the field, allowing me to flank around the boxcars on the train tracks leading to the dump and use that as cover while I engage them. I climb into the boxcar as I start to run out of ammo, but then I notice an ammo dump behind the building right in front of me. After I do so, a guard runs out in front of me and starts shooting. I kill him with the last four rounds in my gun, then sprint forward and replenish my ammo. I clear out the rest of the guards and take the defoliant.

Michele's waiting at the airfield for me to deliver it, so I set off. I get surprised by another unmarked guardpost, but I manage to avoid the guards there and lose the jeep that starts pursuing me by making it crash into some rocks. I make it to the airfield and deliver the tank of toxic brew to Michele. Time to hit the greenhouse.

It's REALLY far away from the airfield, about half the map. I have the choice of either dealing with a couple of checkpoints on the route or barreling through Mokuba, so I settle on the former. On my way I stop in at a gunshop and realize I have enough diamonds to buy the dart rifle. It's basically a silenced sniper rifle and a one hit kill. I jump at the opportunity and buy a reliability upgrade for it too. It replaces my flamethrower rather than my AK for some reason, so now I'm ready for pretty much anything.

As I approach the greenhouse and debate which of the two perimeter checkpoints guarding it to engage, I notice an approach from the river up north with practically no defenses. I backtrack to a bus station and take it to the northeast stop so I can hop on the river, easier than having to sneak past the villa I've already had to deal with twice now. But to get onto the river, I have to deal with the same trio of checkpoints where I had my first near death experience. I take out the guards at the first shack, steal their boat, then deal with the guards on the outcropping next to the inlet before leaving the checkpoint behind.

By now it's light so I head to a safehouse near the farm to sleep until it's nighttime again, and in the process accidentally blunder onto the approach I want to use. It's totally undefended, meaning it'll be perfect for a stealth approach later tonight. I arrive at the safehouse that I'm certain I've already secured to find a lone guard standing around the side, and after I dispose of him a pair of patrol boats attack from the river. They aren't too big of a problem, but it's still a little disturbing given that I was under the impression I had this place locked up tight.

I sleep the day away so I can put my new dart rifle to good use. I beach the boat at the farm and sneak up to the perimeter. I only have five rounds, so I have to use them wisely. It's weird, because when you kill a guy with the gun they still cry out, but it counts as a "stealth" kill. I guess it makes sense, because they're drawn to the dead guy rather than the report of your gun. I put this to good use, and five shots become five dead guys. I fight my way through the rows of crops to the greenhouse and clear the area easily enough, then destroy the irrigation system with a round from my M-79. Michele's plane flies overhead and drops the defoliant, but there's really no point for that now that I've killed everyone here. There are some bangs in the distance and Michele calls, saying "I've been shot down, where the fuck are you?" And she's really indignant, pissed that I wasn't running after her plane that just flew overhead so I could help in case this sort of thing happened. HER FATE IS SEALED.

She turns out to be pretty heavily engaged, as I watch from my perch on a rock, neglecting to do anything about it. Then a couple of the guys attacking her spot me, and I take them down, since now that she's injured her capacity for acting as a bullet sponge is limited at best. I take down the rest of the attackers, and the mission is complete, with the last upgrade for my safehouses in this area unlocked while Michele lies on the ground bleeding out. I take no chances with her. I approach her and contemplate whether I really want to do this. Then I check my journal and see Marty has moved up to first buddy status, while Paul is listed as rescue-ready. Yeah, I do want to. I pull out my sidearm, prompting Michele to say "Do it. It's the only way." I avert my gaze. The deed is done.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Fourteen: Yet More Errands

I head to the gun shop at Mike's, because I just recently got an idea and I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me before. I take the job to hit a convoy, and this one's driving around by the tracks up north, but just to the west of the one I hit there last time. I take a bus in that direction and clear out a checkpoint on the route.

Then I set not one, not two, but three charges in the bus's route. This way if I miss with one, one of the others will probably get it, or if I'm lucky I can hit one of the escorts too. In addition, I can observe all this from behind a machine gun emplacement set up in a boxcar, meaning I can hide pretty easily, hit the detonator, then hop on the gun to deal with the tagalongs. It's pretty much the perfect ambush.

Unfortunately, it's being executed by a guy who totally sucks. One of the jeeps spots me as they drive through the checkpoint, and the truck stops at the other side of the checkpoint while his escorts engage me. I resolve the situation with liberal application of flamethrower-to-face. I head over to the truck to place another IED on it to find it once more empty. This must be some kind of hazing thing. I bet he has crateloads of grenade launchers hidden in the back, but he "won't have them available" until I've taken out some guy who's been banging his girlfriend. Whatever. It does give me an excuse to blow things up, which I gladly take.

I decide to take another assassination mission so I can afford the grenade launcher I've just unlocked for purchase. There's a cell tower nearby, but the target is on the exact opposite side of the map, by the southern edge. I take a bus, clear out a checkpoint, take a malaria pill, and drive on. I nearly run over a zebra, but stop before I can hit it. They do deal more damage to the vehicle than people, after all.

The target's holed up at the airfield, and as I approach I notice a sniper in a tower covering the main approach. I try to avoid him by going wide, but I'm spotted, so I instead use the time-honored and tested tactic of sprinting directly at him. This works better than you'd think it would. I take him down and borrow his rifle. No one at the airfield noticed our little scuffle, so I decide to shake things up. I shoot one of the sentries as he sits and chats with some other guy, and this leaves him wounded and in the open. Instead of dealing the killing blow, I decide to use him as bait. Sure enough, just seconds later another sentry moves out and hefts his wounded comrade onto his back. I reload and take him down.

I try to take the other guys who are cautiously advancing on my position, but this sniping business is harder than it looks. This rifle probably isn't top of the line either. I do manage to shoot the propane tank by the fuel dump next to the hangar, starting a pretty big fire. Soon afterwards a jeep barrels towards me from the airfield down the main road, but miraculously I manage to shoot and kill the gunner in back while he's in motion. The driver promptly stops, pulls a u-turn, and scurries back to the airfield.

These guys are staying pretty firmly put. They aren't that stupid, I'll give them credit. I pick my AK back up and set out towards the airfield. I take out the sentries then use my flamethrower for clearing out the hangar. The target's dead, and most of the compound is now on fire. I leave, but I'm still a diamond short for that grenade launcher.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Thirteen: EXPLOSIONS

I make my way back into town, whistling and loudly wondering what all the commotion's about, followed by claims about how I certainly had nothing to do with it. The APR's the only one offering me work now, and according to Kouassi, they are now "the shit". They want me to blow up air compressors the UFLL have at a motor pool in a scrapyard. As Kouassi puts it, "Today you are being paid to blow things up. Tell me you do not love your job!"

Michele calls again and tells me to meet her up north, uncharacteristically far away from my main objective. The things I do for better gear. I catch a bus up to the northwest and set off. Along the way another jeep on the road starts to pursue me, and after I take down the gunner with my machine gun, the other guy hops out and actually does start taunting me. Which is good, because I wasn't sure if he was alive or not. I made sure soon afterwards about his state.

Michele wants me to go to a nearby chemical depot and steal a shipping manifest that outlines the routes of a bunch of trucks carrying petrol. She wants to ambush one of these trucks, not to steal the fuel but just to blow it up. While I do admire the zeal she has for explosions for explosion's sake, I can't help but wondering if pairing up with the hyper-deadly, definitely unhinged French lady is going to come back and bite me in the ass later. I'll do it anyway, I mean I'm already all the way out here.

I sleep and then approach the depot in the dead of night. I survey it from across the field to find it looks pretty lightly defended, so I make my approach, managing to breach the perimeter undetected. As I make my way onto the porch of the main office, a guard walks out, and the shooting starts. I grab the manifest off a desk inside and take cover, but as I do so Michele calls. Even though she only has maybe ten words to say to me, it's enough time for a shotgun wielding soldier to storm into the office and pump me full of lead.

Marty comes to my rescue again, dragging me back so I'm just outside the camp. I heal myself, then proceed to clear out the depot purely out of spite. I decide not to trust Michele anymore.

I head out, clearing out a checkpoint then making my way to a nearby gun store. I buy a crate for my special weapons as well as an upgrade for my flamethrower, rendering me broke once again. I set off, running off a guy who's standing in the middle of the road, not close to anything noteworthy really. I don't know how this trend of hanging out in the middle of country roads during the nighttime caught on, but it's proving to be a very bad idea for these guys.

I take out a perimeter checkpoint by approaching from the river, then approach the scrapyard. I manage to enter through a fortuitous hole in the fence. The terrain here is very uneven, with a lot of hills and dips, not to mention all the rusting metal hulks all over the place. I can use this to my advantage. I look up to see someone has connected the roofs of a few boxcars with some perfectly nice walkways, and decide to take advantage of them. I make my way to the perimeter and manage to get the drop on a sentry. I don't have any silenced weapons, so I decide to take him down with my machete then go crazy on the rest of the guards.

I kill him then move along the boxcars to the top of a hill equal parts dirt and tires that gives me a commanding view of the area while affording me pretty decent cover. The soldiers I've drawn out all approach me down very exposed walkways, and I make short work of most of them. At one point I hit a red barrel placed next to a jeep, resulting in a pretty awesome explosion. When my AK starts running dry, I pull out my flamethrower.

It's ridiculously effective. I just sprint straight up to dudes and light them on fire. It also proves very handy for clearing out the building with the compressor. After the area's pretty secure, I place a charge on the compressor, then move outside and hit the button. Michele calls to say she's hitting the convoy, and it turns out to be just to the north of the scrapyard, closer than usual. As I make my way in that direction, a massive plume of flame rises into the night sky. I get there to finish off a couple guys, and the mission is complete.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Twelve: More Bitch Work

Both factions are offering me work again, but I decide to keep working for the APR. The guy at the door says there's nothing available for me, but he did hear about some foreigner the UFLL's got locked up in a slaughterhouse nearby. These missions kinda suck, because you get no compensation for them outside of a new buddy you can run bullshit errands for.

I start driving over there, getting sidetracked a bit by an unmarked guardpost on the way consisting of two guys and a machine gun emplacement. I crouch on a ridge and perform a little bit of recon, then decide it's time to go to work. It's actually over really fast, so I make my way into the small building and unlock the door to meet Warren Clyde, who apparently is the rootinest, tootinest cowpoke this side of the Missisip, at least if his voice acting is anything to go by.

That wrapped up pretty quickly, so I decide to head to the nearest cell phone tower and get an assassination job. I don't want to be compensated for my efforts with some bullshit camarederie, I want the only currency that matters: actual currency. And diamonds.

I locate another diamond case behind another waterfall, then go to secure a safehouse. While there a patrol boat from a nearby river pulls over to investigate and I take down the gunner. The driver takes this development pretty well, not budging from his seat but refusing to move the boat either. I watch him a bit, then dispose of him. I could see him calling me out with his eyes, thinking I wouldn't be man enough to do it, but I showed him.

I clear out a couple more guard posts then get to the cell tower on the plains. The target's in Pala again. This should be fine. I make my way back there to find the target is wandering around the small sheds behind the church, where there are absolutely no guards and a hole in the fence leading right to him. I head to Mike's and pick up my silenced pistol, returning by boat to Pala just as the sun sets and docking on the southern shore.

I duck through the fence to find he's still wandering around out of sight of the guards and in the easiest place in the whole area to evade them. Also, he pays no mind to the old Albanian dude following right behind him and clutching a silenced pistol. It's like this guy wants to get assassinated or something.

I take him down with just one shot to the back of the head, and I'm rewarded with 10 diamonds and a message telling me to get the hell out of town before I get ventilated. I go back through the fence, and though the guards fire at me, there's no real danger as I make my way back to the boat and flee to Mike's. If these guys really want a cease-fire in town, they've gotta step up their game, or I'm just going to keep doing this. It's simple, guys. Really.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Eleven: Taking Care of Business

I need more medicine, so I head to the vet that Father Maliya sent me to last time. I fight through a heavily defended checkpoint to get there and he hands more travel papers I can exchange for medicine at another veterinary clinic. Why are the vets the only ones left in the country? Are they that passionate about the zebras and water buffalos? The former have been pretty suicidal anyway, so it seems like they're sort of wasting their efforts. On my way back to the bus station, the checkpoint has been completely restaffed. What the hell?

I decide to head back through the cattle crossing, tearing ass past all the guards in my buggy. At least, that was the idea, but I end up in a three car pile up resulting in five corpses. I take one of their cars and roll off. On my way out is a man standing in the middle of the road, all by himself. He's dumb in many directions at once, so I channel natural selection and run him down. Shortly after I make it away from the ranch, I crash my jeep (again) and set off on foot (again).

As I near a checkpoint, something explodes on the road behind me, but it doesn't look like anyone's noticed me. I slip by the checkpoint and head for another one on the same river as my destination. I evade this one as well, then manage to approach the clinic. I notice at least three guys guarding it, so I swim up to the dock and make my move.

There turn out to be way more than just three guys there, but I take them down no problem, then head inside to hand off papers for pills. I decide to head to the nearest gun shop to resupply, then find a cell phone tower so I can make some money. On my way out of a guardpost that I clear on the way, another guy is just standing in the middle of the road, so I take him up on his offer to run him over. Well, why else would he be standing there?

After resupplying, I past a checkpoint and across a plain to the cell tower. The target this time is back in Shwasana, the fishing village, so I clear out a nearby small dock along with the patrol boat that drives over to investigate the noise, then set off on the river.

I breeze past two checkpoints easily enough, pass by Pala, then eliminate once more the checkpoint at the mouth of the passage to the village. I ride down in an assault boat towards the target. Last time stealth was more trouble than its worth, so I've got a new plan: park the boat so I've got a good vantage point on the village, then open up with the attached machine gun to take out the guards, after which I'll swim up and take out the target.

This first bit works on a couple guards, but it turns out I'm way too exposed. Some sniper is hitting me from way back in the village, and there's no way I can take him at this range. I pull up to a dock and powerslide my way onto a raised bridge, where the same guy keeps plugging away at me. I take him down, and apparently I just completed the job because he was my target. Well, if he wasn't so belligerent, maybe I wouldn't have gone for him first. I take out a couple more sentries, fix my boat, and ride off back down the river. The guard post at the exit is, of course, fully restaffed. What assholes.

I head to Mike's and after a bit of deliberation, settle on a brand new flamethrower and a reliability upgrade for it. Stealth is for GIRLS.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Ten: All the Live Long Day

I speed past a checkpoint, resulting in a small jungle car chase before I return to Pala. When I get there I find that now the APR are the only ones offering me work. I sigh. You pull one job behind the back of the guys who saved your life, and they get their undies in a bundle. They need to lighten up.

Kouassi and a british dude tell me that the UFLL have been trading natural gas with the country to the west in exchange for medicine, so it's up to me to blow up the tanker of natural gas that they have sitting in the railyard to put a stop to that. After I leave, Michele (of course) calls me again and tells me to meet her east of the railyard. It's at this point I stop in the middle of the street and realize something: I never gave Michele my phone number. How the hell did she figure that out? This lady's got machinations going on, I'll tell you that right now.

I take a bus to the northwest, and as I'm cutting across the plain to the meet up, a zebra head butts my car. It actually does enough damage I have to climb out and repair the engine. Stupid creatures.

I continue across the plain and come across a shack in the middle of it, guarded by a couple of sentries. I find the case of diamonds inside the shed, then move up the hill behind them and deal with a sniper on the perch. Apparently, he was guarding another one of the jackal's tapes.

Walking towards the safehouse I get turned around a bit and accidentally discover an excellent approach to the railyard. I'll have to remember that. I make it to the safehouse where Michele wants me to kill a UFLL lieutenant holed up at a cattle ranch. That'll make his colleagues panic and mobilize a troop train, which Michele will derail so she can kill the train's commander, who apparently has made a fortune "selling little boys". I accept the offer.

I head down the road to the gun shop and buy both upgrades for my AK, as well as the reliability upgrade for my PKM. I've decided not to bother with stealth but to hit the enemies fast and hard, starting with the checkpoint en route to the ranch.

I draw out a jeep which barrels down the road into the one I took from the gun store. I bail out of mine and drop a grenade as I run off into the brush. The explosion takes out both cars, along with my aggressors, and starts a fire in the grass, allowing me to finish off the rest of the panicked sentries with ease.

I sneak up the main road to the cattle crossing but give the main entrance a wide berth, due to the pair of machine gun nests flanking it. The ranch itself isn't that big, but there are still quite a few guards there, which actually works in my favor. If they can't spread out, it'll be easier to take them down quickly before they can overwhelm me with return fire.

I sneak through a hole in the fence, but I can't move any farther thanks to the two guards in front of the target building. No choice now but to go loud. I mutter "I am the firestarter" to myself and chuck a molotov into the tree I'm hiding behind. Not the best start to things.

I do eventually manage to get one going in the middle of camp, and after I take out the two guards closest to me, I manage to accidentally hit a propane tank on the porch of the ranch, which flies around in circles before exploding. I move around the back of the porch, confident that I haven't managed to take out all the hostiles yet, and plant a charge on the ammo dump I find there, just in case. I move inside to find the lieutenant holding a gun like it's an oversized insect and talking into his cell phone about how no, of course he doesn't know how to shoot one. Which is fine by me, because I totally do, which makes shooting him in the face a lot easier.

I run back outside and leap over the back porch as someone starts taking potshots at me with his shotgun. I run behind an old wagon in the back field to take cover, then detonate the ammo dump, resulting in a massive explosion and the end of any hostilities towards me from the ranch.

I head the exact same way to the railyard as I did from the bus station, this time avoiding the guards by the shed, and take the alternate approach I found earlier. It deposits me on a ledge high above the facility, an excellent vantage point I use to scout things out a little, noting a sniper on the roof and a good approach through the old train cars directly below me. For a second I consider going in stealthy, but that would mean I'd have to swap the charges I'd need for blowing the tanker out for my silenced pistol, and I didn't have an RPG. I shrug again (I've been doing that a lot lately) and decide to go in now.

I drop down the ridge, and not only don't get hurt, but no one spots the old dude hopping down a cliff at them. I sprint past a patrolling guard and hide inside an old passenger car before he even thinks to investigate what he just heard, and luckily I'm still undetected. I move into the open then into a caved out boxcar, and according to the chatter, I think I've been spotted. Just to be sure, I chuck a grenade out there. It takes out one of the guys edging towards me, but then I take out the other four (!) with my AK a lot easier than I thought I would. I move out of the boxcar and edge around the main building, pausing to take out the sniper on its roof.

I take out a few more dudes, then steal some ammo and set a charge on the stockpile. Time to blow this thing and go home. I place another charge at the tanker and then move behind another car to detonate both of them. I steal a large truck near the periphery of the yard and follow the tracks to the north, where Michele is ambushing the train. I pat myself on the back for figuring out an easy route that will let me bypass all the checkpoints, but then I lodge the truck on a rock. I climb out and head on foot, looking around for sticks and a rag so I can make a hobo bindle and whistle mournfully, as is tradition.

When I finally make it to the site of the wreck, I arrive just in time for Michele to finish off the last of the UFLL attackers all by herself. Well, then why'd you drag me all the way out here, crazy lady? She's skilled, sure, but how long until she decides she could take me? As soon as I see her making those shifty eyes, she's gone.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Nine: I Love You, Man

I wake up to find Marty has apparently been watching me sleep again. Why do I always end up friends with total weirdos? He does offer to stick around and save my life again if I need it, which is nice, and also makes the same comment about Michelle using me as bait. Speaking of which, time to do something about that.

I head back to Mike's and spend my last two diamonds on an accuracy upgrade for the silenced Makarov, figuring that now I might be able to score the crucial headshots needed for effective stealth with that gun. Otherwise, you end up either missing completely or scoring a non-fatal hit, which tends to result in a lot more screaming than I'd like.

Next I head into the actual bar part of Mike's and make a point of not acknowledging Michele as I walk over to talk to Paul, who I played as in a past Far Cry 2 life. He wants me to head to the fort where I killed that king, because a guy who was operating a supply business got busted by the APR but the documents detailing where all his stuff is are still stashed away there. I head to the bus station in Pala and head to the NW, then sleep in a nearby safehouse until nightfall. This time, I might actually be able to be stealthy.

I take the same approach as before, driving a buggy with the headlights off down a small road which led to the side path up to the side of the fort. This time, though, there's a small patrol walking along the wall, and though I take out the first guy who rounds the corner with my silenced pistol, his buddy behind him standing on the wall spots me gets a shot off with his shotgun. So, there goes stealth out the window again. I dash through the side entrance then back into the building where I committed my first ever regicide.

I start frantically searching for the documents, first heading up to the office on the second floor. I search all over the place and keep looking even as it becomes more and more obvious that they aren't there. Fuck. By this point the whole fort is on alert and looking for me. I cautiously move back to the first floor and as I take cover by a doorway I see the attaché case on the floor by the opposite wall. Okay, grab the case, then GTFO. As I move to retrieve it, some asshole sticks his face in the doorway, so I shoot it, then run and grab the case. I hightail it out of the fort and back to the buggy, getting back to the bus station and Mike's with no more real trouble. As I hand the case to Paul, he simply says "Badass." And you know what? He's right.

I take a gunrunning job just to round things out. The convoy this time passes through the intersection right next to the villa from the first mission and that one other time. By the time I get there it's dark the convoy's moved on, but that's fine. Plenty of time to set up. This time I packed IED's, so I place one in the truck's path then hide in the bushes.

This time I get the timing down perfectly. As the truck passes over the obvious explosive in the middle of the road, I press the button. The two escort cars start freaking out and looking for the attackers, but by then I've slunk away into the undergrowth. I secure a nearby safehouse and take a nap. Presumably I also make a cup of hot cocoa. I've earned it.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Eight: Fuck the Po-Lice

I decide to spice things up a bit and take a job from the APR (again, the acronym is irrelevant and you don't care anyway), so I head back to Pala by bus and cross the street to their HQ. Yeah, that's why there's a cease-fire in town, because both of the factions are set up literally down the street from each other. I like to imagine that when the officers in the buildings aren't giving me work, they're just staring at each other out of the windows, rubbing their assault rifles and breathing really deeply.

The APR in this sector are headed by Prosper Kouassi, who appears to be more "with it" and "hip to the kids", but equally as "psychotic" and "homicidal" as Gakumba. He and some British dude give me the task of assassinating the chief of police, who's riding around in a motorcade for reasons that are never adequately explained. I accept and pocket some diamonds, then after I exit the HQ I get a call from Michele (again) telling me to meet her north of the slaughterhouse. I'll do it, but only for the safehouse goodies. God, I'm a whore.

First I head to Mike's so I can drop some phat stacks of cash on brand new gats. (I'm probably mixing slang genres, but whatever). I get an AK-47, which for a while will be the only rifle I'll ever need, as well as a silenced Makarov pistol and a reliability upgrade for same. Now I can actually be stealthy, at least in theory. I take a boat from the dock upriver to the rendezvous.

At the safehouse, Michele says I should go to Shwasana, a fishing village, where the chief's brother is holed up. He's got a ledger of all the bribes the APR have paid him, and if I get a hold of that, the psychic link the chief has to the book will alert him it has been stolen and he'll retreat to his station. This will somehow alert the deputy chief of the fact the chief has been getting bribes from the APR, and he'll tell the UFLL to go to town on his superior out of spite. Michele will then ambush this convoy because that'll be fun. At least, I think that's how it works, because as soon as I touch the ledger the chief will head straight back to the station. I don't even have to give it to anyone. I agree, and notice a rocket launcher by the door. Tempting, but not this time. I know how this works. I sleep for like 12 hours so it'll be dark for my infiltration/assault.

I take my boat towards Shwasana. Marty currently isn't on hand for a rescue, so I'll need to be extra careful. I pack my silenced pistol and decide to actually go in stealthy this time. Before I arrive though the checkpoint at the mouth of the passage to the village catches me off guard, and I'm forced to use one of their emplaced machine guns to dispose of the guards. Not the best start to this whole "stealth" thing, but the guys in the village won't have heard all the commotion.

I swim/walk towards the village and pause on an outcropping in the lake to survey the area. The house with the chief's brother is on stilts over the water, and the walkways around it as well as the adjacent patch of land are crawling with sentries. My initial plan is to swim to the docks on the other side of the house from my current position, then make my way in from there. I make it to the roof of the sunken house in the middle of the lake while operating under this plan when I hear a motor start up. Of course they'd have a patrol boat, wouldn't they?

I frantically swim to the central house, and it doesn't help that the water is murky as hell. I manage to avoid the boat by ducking underwater and emerging underneath the raised platform. I decide to approach this way, but I realize very quickly stealth will be tricky. Not impossible, but definitely tricky. I sit under the house for a while just observing the guards. (At one point, I'm swimming in the water among the stilts and I look up through the floorboards to watch a guy patrolling directly above me. So badass.)

I pull out the silenced pistol and start to move out from underneath the dock, but as I do a guard knocks a barrel off the dock as he runs along. Apparently something I did tipped off the guards, because now they're actively looking for an intruder. I think a distraction's in order, and there just happens to be a big ol' stockpile of explosives right in front of me. It's way too crowded to venture out, so I try chucking some molotovs at it from under the house, in the hopes of starting a fire as well. I empty all three of them, but the guard's still can't find me, now they're just more frantic. Also a fire didn't start, so I guess I suck at distractions.

I decide to venture out while they're still a little confused, but practically as soon as I do, I'm spotted. I take him down with my silenced pistol but now everyone else is alerted, so I break out the AK. At first I'm overwhelmed so I duck under the house, and after dropping a guy or two I swim to the nearby dock, then go around one of the smaller houses to flank the two guards left on the small patch of land. I take out the guys guarding the house, as well as the man on the boat's gun, who by now has pulled up to the house and slammed into the adjacent dock.

I clear the house of the three guards inside, then head up to the second floor and confront the chief's brother. At first he's unwilling to deal with a "criminal" like me, but after some machete-to-neck time, he coughs it up. I set out back down the river, and find out the checkpoint at the mouth of the passage has been restaffed in the hour or so of in-game time I was in the village. They are fast. I hop out and am confronted with what is apparently the strongest man in the world. First I hit him with four rounds from my AK at point blank range, but he's still kicking so I swipe him with my machete, which drops him. I move up and take down the other guard at range pretty easily, which is when I get hit in the back with a pistol round. Not only is the first guy not dead, he's actually trying to limp away to safety. I shoot him again, and he finally dies. He was wearing one of those South African cowboy type hats, though, so I guess it makes sense.

I set out to the police station, not wanting to lose anymore night time, and approach it by river as well. The silenced pistol actually proves its worth on the journey, allowing me to eliminate a lone sentry and slip by a checkpoint undetected. When I arrive at the station, the plan is once again stealth. I'll swim upriver, eliminate the sniper at the rope bridge, then move up on the station. I decide to approach from across the bridge to take out the sniper, but as I slink across, a shot rings out. Then another. Because it turns out not only does the sniper have a sniper buddy in a guard tower at the exact opposite end of the compound, but he's got better eyesight than the guy whose job it is to watch the main approach. I sigh and pull out my assault rifle again.

I take out the first sniper, then evade the second through the advanced special forces tactic of sprinting directly at his position, yelling like a madman. I take him down with one shot from my silenced pistol, then use the AK on the other sentries who are advancing up the hill towards me from the compound. I move into the compound and three more guys attack from a cluster of buildings up on the other side of the hill. I set a tree on fire, which holds them off long enough for me to take one of the malaria pills that I guess I need right now.

After the area's clear, I head into the building where the chief is hiding. He starts to say something about how he's my boss but gets cut off when a bullet hits his face. From my gun. Time to help Michele with that UFLL convoy.

I go downriver then hop out not far away, and as I run down the road start to hear gunfire. I pull out my PKM and dispatch them easily enough. I heal the now wounded Michele (again), and then head to a nearby safehouse to sleep the rest of the night away, confident in the knowledge that either stealth with the pistol really doesn't work, or I just really suck at it.

We're Here Now

Purge the other address from your bookmarks, loyal readers, and cleanse it from your memories. This is the new address for all things Sam Korda.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Seven: Big Rig Truckin'

I head towards the nearest gun shop, and as I'm sneaking past a checkpoint I notice a waterfall. I decide to investigate behind it on general video game principle (if there are waterfalls in a racing game, at least one of them will be concealing a shortcut. This is true in every racing game ever). Sure enough, there's a case of diamonds on the rocks behind it.

I make it to the arms dealer and take him up on his offer: wipe out some of his competition and he'll offer me new goodies to buy next time I'm around, such as an AK-47. I then purchase a primary weapon crate for my safehouses as well as an accuracy upgrade for my PKM, pick up my G3 from the armory, then set off for the closest bus station. On the way I sneak up to a checkpoint, and as I take cover by their perimeter sandbags when one of their patrolling jeeps return, I hear squealing tires, followed by a thud, followed by the jeep not moving. For every two times the AI makes you quote that hunter in Jurassic Park, there's a time where you get convinced that they couldn't find their behinds with both hands. I decide to prove my superiority to the AI by ambushing them with an expertly tossed grenade. Man over machine!

The grenade bounces off a piece of plywood and lands right next to my shoe. I turn and sprint back up the road, and it explodes a good distance behind me. I take out the guards with my PKM, which is pretty easy because they're all laughing at how big of a dumbass I am, then make it to the bus stop. Right before I board, I notice that the convoy passes right by the bus station I'm headed towards. Perfect.

Right as I hop off, I see the convoy speeding away from me in the other direction. Well, all right. Plenty of time to get set up. There's some train tracks running right next to their route with a few boxcars stopped on them, as well as a safehouse. I take down the guys guarding it easily enough, but apparently there's a jeep passing by on the road that was attracted by all the commotion, so I have to deal with him too. Now my assault rifle's down to its last mag, but I still have the PKM, so I'm not too worried. I set the IED over what I'm pretty sure is the convoy's route (hard to tell when there aren't any roads involved) then crouch behind one of the boxcars and wait.

As soon as I hear an engine and see a vehicle pass over the charge, I hit the detonator. Nope, that was one of the escort jeeps. Also, I appear to have started a small brushfire, which the truck nonchalantly veers around as it keeps driving. I climb onto the gun of a parked jeep and try to use it against the truck, but the fire has spread to the car, so I'm forced to abandon it. I fire at the truck to no avail with my G3, mostly out of frustration.

At this point I check the truck's position on my map and get a little bit worried. It looks to be veering off its course, which I worry might be what it does once you kill off all its escorts. Maybe it's headed towards a guardpost or something for protection? Frantically, I grab a jeep at the checkpoint and drive off after it into the desert as the sun begins to rise.

I was wrong, though. The truck passes me the other way so I hop on the gun, swivel around, and fire at the cab. My aim's better than I think: the truck stops in its tracks, as I've apparently hit the driver. I move closer to investigate and find him squashed under his own vehicle's wheel. I shrug, then hop onto the back of the truck to find it completely empty. Either he's already offloaded the guns, or I just killed a guy who was joyriding at night in the desert with his heavily armed buddies, or the arms dealer I got the job from can't read. Whatever. I set a charge in the back of the truck, move a ways away, and blow it sky high. As I drive back to the bus station, I can't help but watch the fire as it spreads through the grass. The effect is simply mesmerizing.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Six: Running Some Errands

I get off the bus in Pala and head to the underground HQ. Apparently I'm getting low on pills for my malaria, and the only way to take care of that is to do a job for these guys. Father Maliya in the church doesn't have any medicine, but he knows a vet in the northeast who does. All I have to do is deliver some travel papers for a family that's holed up there. I get back on the bus.

I make it past the checkpoint on the road just before the vet's clinic, but not without having to administer another painful bout of homebrewed first aid. Pro tip: Try not driving right up to these outposts in your car, then hopping out to engage the guards. It's not nearly as badass or practical as you might think.

There's a squad of militia goons at the vet's clinic that I need to clear out before I can go inside and get my medicine. I try to get the drop on them, but Michele's sniper rifle just jams way too much, so it's got to go. I use it to take care of a couple of the guys out front, then deal with the remainder up close and personally. Inside I deliver the papers to a family, who exchange their medicine for them, then sleep for 4-5 hours on the cot inside the building.

When I reemerge, something isn't right. I think I hear voices. I crouch and move through the garage to see a man crouched at the other entrance, waiting for me to walk by on the road. Which is odd, because in order for me to get into the clinic in the first place I had to clear the area of all hostiles. After I take him down with the machete, I notice that there's an entire welcoming committee waiting for me in the field just beyond, about four more dudes in total, so another firefight ensues.

I want to bulk up my arsenal and I've definitely got the stones for it (figuratively and literally), so it's time to off another vaguely European dude. The nearest cell phone tower is to the south up a nearby river, but the lake at its mouth is guarded by the same checkpoint where I had my first near death experience, so it's not going to be a cakewalk getting a boat. As I approach the nearby outpost on foot I encounter another soldier creeping along the base of the rocky ridge. Maybe the welcoming committee came from the lake? Then as I approach the house on my side of the lake opposite the checkpoint, a few explosions go off on the road near the vet clinic. No idea what's going on back there, but I'm not too inclined to find out.

The checkpoint had a couple guards, but nothing too serious. I swipe the medical supplies and make my way back down to the dock and am in the process of speeding off upriver when a "There he is!" is quickly followed by a burst of machine gun fire. Apparently, there are men in the house across the small inlet that divides the lake from the river. These guys present me with a bit of trouble, actually. As I move into the house there's a soldier inside who spots me before I do him thanks to my eyes not yet adjusting. I forgot to mention that: when you move from outside to inside, your eyes have to take a second to adjust in the light, which can screw you if you're low on health and looking for cover. It kinda works both ways, though, making hiding in buildings and letting enemies come to you a fairly reliable tactic.

I take out another guy, and I don't hear anymore chatter from the enemies. This is the worst, because it either means you've killed everyone or you've killed all but one. This is one thing Far Cry 2 does better than, say, Splinter Cell: Conviction. Not only is enemy chatter fairly low key and consistent, if you manage to take down all the guards but one, the lone survivor won't start berating and taunting you. He'll keep his mouth shut and hunt you. Turns out for me, it was all but one. I manage to get him with my machete, and though he gets a few good shots in it's nothing too serious. I check the house and see these guys were guarding a diamond case, so the firefight was actually kind of worth it.

I set off upriver for real, and aside from a head on collision with another boat I make it to my destination pretty much without incident. The quickest route to the guard tower from the river is by heading south through the villa I attacked in the first mission. I find a safehouse on the river near it and sleep until nightfall. When I wake up, Marty's there. I try not to think about how long he might have been sitting there while I slept, and instead take him up on his offer to help me out again if I end up taking too many bullets to the face. He says what he'll be doing is basically shadowing me from a distance, not using me as bait "like Michele does." Huh. I set out along the footpath towards the villa.

It's a lot easier to sneak at night, and I manage to slip past the villa itself undetected. I make it to the perimeter guardpost and decide to try stealing some ammo, but I'm caught in the act. I took out the guard who saw me as he stood in the doorway, and as I reloaded I heard the characteristic sound of a grenade hitting the floor. I run out to the road and see the second soldier, and just after I take him down the grenade detonates the ammo dump, the rounds that were there firing. In other words, I have excellent timing. I take a jeep and drive to the nearby tower to learn the target is not far from here, in the Mokuba shantytown. Again, also just like the first mission.

I approach the slum from up the hill again, placing me behind an RPG soldier stationed on the hill. Ideally, I could use my sniper rifle to take out the target from this hill, then the RPG guy, then run off. Unfortunately, it's not going to be that easy for me. I can't get a clear line of sight on the target, and there look to be plenty of guards walking around the village. It occurs to me that maybe I should've invested in a silenced pistol, because now once I start attacking I'll have to go loud. I come up with a plan that sort of helps to compensate for my lack of being able to silently insert: I'll hit the RPG man with a rifle, then make my way to an explosives dump I spotted in the village. I'll plant a charge there, move a bit away and detonate it as a diversion, then in the confusion make my way to the target and eliminate him.

I set it in motion, and manage to hit not only the RPG guy with my sniper rifle, but a man who was standing right behind him, then move down a small footpath into the village. Naturally, I'm spotted not long after I make my way past the perimeter, so I use the PKM to just start blasting my way down the main street towards the target. It's actually very effective, and I'm taking down target after target with relative ease, which makes it all the more surprising when out of nowhere a grenade detonates next to me as I pause to reload in a hut and I fall on my face.

Marty's there for me once again, and as he hands me his pistol tells me to "never do that again". Really good advice. I resolve to keep on the move a lot more now, because even if I'm laying waste to entire companies, all it takes is one dude with a good arm or good aim to finish me off. Just as I heal my wounds, the malaria kicks in again. I take a pill as Marty tries to hold off some more advancing goons. After the fever subsides, I notice that Marty's having a tough time of it, as he limps into a patch of grass next to a hut then lies down and starts moaning. As I move up to heal him, two more soldiers run over and start firing. I chuck a grenade, which takes down one of them and also explodes a jeep, but his buddy evades it, and tries to flank through the huts to my right. I respond by spraying the sheet metal wall with my PKM, and the bullets go through the flimsy material and take him down.

I heal Marty, and decide to make the target pay for putting me through all this hassle. All his guards are dead, so getting to him then flanking him through a hut proves to be no problem. I get paid, but I'm really just happy to be getting out of Mokuba in one piece. Well, mostly one piece anyway.

FC2: PERMADEATH Chapter Five: Gold In Them Thar Hills

I head to Mike's bar and purchase IED's (Improvised Explosive Devices) which in this game basically work as explosive charges with a detonator. Then I head back to Pala, which once again has settled down, and go to the UFLL office, where Gakumba and Carbonell have some work for me. Apparently, this country had a king once, and he's looking to start running the show again. As Gakumba sees it, this will never happen, "not in my lifetime". He's back in the country with a buttload of gold which is currently just sitting at an oasis, and Gakumba wants me to claim the treasure for the UFLL. I accept, netting a phat paycheck on my way out. I like the whole "pay up-front" scheme these militia guys have. It makes actually completing their jobs a lot easier.

On my way out the door, I once again receive a call from Michele, asking me to meet her at a safehouse by a lake. First I go back to Mike's and buy a PKM light machine gun to replace my RPG, and a secondary weapon crate, which will let me store whatever that weapon might be at all the armouries and safehouses, accessible at any time. I head to the bus station back in Pala and head to the stop nearest Michele.

I cleared out the first checkpoint on my way to the rendezvous easily enough but was left with practically no ammo for my assault rifle. I continued on to the checkpoint just before the lakeside meeting point, and saw it was really two separate guard posts. Two houses were on the same side of the lake as me, and then another house on the other side with a path behind it that led up to the checkpoint proper, and there were guards everywhere. I took care of a couple of the guards at the house closest to me and moved through it to the dock. As I was scouting the guards at the house across the lake I heard someone searching for me, which genuinely unnerved me. I hadn't seen anyone else as I'd moved into the house. I moved back through the house and used my PKM to eliminate the small group of men outside, and the commotion was noticed across the lake. I could see through my monocular that they were scrambling, and it wouldn't be long before a couple of them would hop in the assault boat docked there and scoot on over to where I was.

I decided to beat them at their own game, climbing into the assault boat docked at my house and turning it around so the machine gun could hit them. I made short work of all the other militia in the area, and breezed past the now unoccupied checkpoint to the safehouse. Michele was there to tell me that she had a job for me: apparently, the prince wants me to kill his father, retrieve his signet ring, and then bring it back to this safehouse so the son can claim his family's fortune and keep on being a playboy. I don't think I've ever actually killed a king before, so I signed on on the basis that you should try everything at least once. As I turn to leave, I notice on the floor that this time Michele has provided (or just left sitting over there, same difference) a very high-end sniper rifle. I do have a heavy machine gun that's ridiculously powerful, and the king is going to be holed up in a fort, so I figure this'll probably help me get a drop on the guards on the towers. I sleep till just after one in the morning.

As I set out, I notice that the rifle actually looks like it might be in good condition, and might not be comprised primarily of rust like the MGL-140 seemed to be. Maybe Michele actually came through this time or wanted to make up for the crappy quality of the last gun. After I drive through the still empty checkpoint, I nearly collide with a zebra on the road. I stop before I hit it, and it just stares at me and scampers off. First time that's ever happened to me. At least, head on. I'm pretty sure I've side-swiped some wildlife before this. They actually don't do as much damage to the car as you'd think.

I decide to barrel past the checkpoint ahead, figuring it isn't worth my time, which turns out to be a ridiculously dumb move. Not one but two jeeps give chase and I manage to take out my pursuers, but have to perform first aid when the skirmish is over, in this case consisting of violently setting my arm back into place. "Ow," I say as I get back into a car and set off towards the fort. I decide to secure a safehouse on the way, and sure enough, there's a small path behind it. Unfortunately, it only leads to another dune buggy, not a back entrance to the fort like I'd hoped. I grumble to myself as I climb into my free car, which just happens to be in perfect condition. It's hard out here for a pimp.

I do manage to find a side path that leads up the valley to the fort, though, and I kill my headlights as I drive up it. When it ends I climb out and move up a rocky side path on foot. I'm not charging head-on at the main gate, which is promising, but I'm carrying a high-caliber sniper rifle, demolition charges, and a machine gun. Stealth doesn't really seem to be an option. If someone spots me, my only choice is to take them out with some of the loudest weapons you can carry short of a grenade launcher. Well, that or die.

But I actually don't encounter any guards on the trail, or at the wall once I reach it. I slink around the side and come across a small entrance to the upper courtyard. The building with the king in it is right in front of me, and all the guards are looking in the opposite direction of me. With this stroke of luck, I come up with a plan: in, bang, GTFO. I know, elegant in its simplicity, right? I manage to enter the central tower without being spotted, and I pull out my machete as I creep up to the second floor. As soon as he spots me the king starts berating me, and I've never been one to stand for that shit, so it's machete time. Again.

Surprisingly, his dying gurgles don't attract any guards. I take his ring and creep back downstairs. As I stop to retrieve a diamond from its case behind a bunch of boards of plywood, a guard turns and spots me. I kind of figured that greed would do that to me, but I don't really care. I blow that guy away with my PKM and run out the side entrance, taking out another guard and continuing on. They don't actually seem to be pursuing me, which is nice of them.

As I make it to the trail downhill to my car, a sniper in one of the fort's towers starts taking potshots at me. Rather than risking him plugging me as I climb into my car, I decide to stop and put that rifle to good use. I crouch behind a rock, zero in on him, and then start cursing as it jams on the first round. Michele isn't just a slut; she's a megaslut.

I clear the jam and take the sniper down, then make it to my car and speed off in the direction I'd come. The first checkpoint is clear, and I'm almost home free when it turns out that in the five minutes I've been gone, someone decided to staff the checkpoint right in front of the hideout with a full complement of guards. I try speeding past them but get shot a bunch and instead just end up crashing the buggy into a bunch of sandbags. I climb out, bleeding out of pretty much my entire body, and take cover in the machine gun post. By now I'm down to my last chunk, which means bleeding out.

I try to apply first aid, but I'm taking so much fire that it's impossible. The last bit of my health slips away and I fall to the ground. My heart sinks. This is it. I'm done. Dead. Not even halfway there.

But then something miraculous happens. Specifically: Marty Alencar. Marty happens. SHIT YEAH.

He runs up to me and picks me up. I fade in and out of consciousness as he carries me to safety, at one point shooting a guy waving a machete at us in the face, then plugging him a few more times after he's on the ground just to be safe. Finally he sets me down so I can cauterize my wound with a burning piece of tall grass, then hands me a pistol. I get ready for a fight, but it's not necessary. Marty cleared out the outpost singlehandedly, and he did it all while lugging my sorry ass out of it. I ask if I can hug him, but he just tells me "not to make it weird, dude."

I realized that I'd grown careless. I'd wiped out so many militia and checkpoints by this point that I felt I could just drive straight into the middle of one and take them all down, guns blazing. Far Cry 2 doesn't allow for that, especially if you're playing under some ridiculous, self-imposed limit like no deaths. You can't just disregard strategy or caution. Doing so will get you killed. Clearly, I can't let my guard down ever again.

I make it to the safehouse and give the prince his dead dad's ring. He's sent Michele on ahead to the oasis, and gives me one of his cars as a gift. I store the pistol Marty gave me in my newly purchased crate, then drive off in the prince's Jeep (that's Jeep, not jeep. Product placement strikes again!). At the checkpoint, I stop to retrieve the IED's from where I dropped them and try to ignore the all too present stench of fear-urine.

After some thrilling off road action I arrive at the oasis to find it pretty much deserted. No APR guards like I was promised, but no APR corpses either. It doesn't take a genius to realize something isn't right here. A country like this isn't going to just leave alone a big pile of gold that's just sitting in the middle of the desert. I set a charge on the fuel pile as a precaution, then meet up with Michele next to the well that's holding the gold. I climb down a couple of ladders into the hole and come across quite a lot of gold, indeed. I text the UFLL with the location and climb back up.

It's after the first ladder that I hear the screeching tires and gunshots. Thought so. I whip out the detonator and press the button. There's an extremely gratifying explosion, followed by a scream that's even more so. I climb up the second ladder and find out there are still a lot of APR guards around. They've taken down Michele, who's lying in pain in the middle of the rubble that comprises what used to be the village near this oasis. A tense shootout ensues as I try not to hit Michele, at one point shooting a guy right over her head.

After the mopping up's done, the mission is complete, but my business here isn't. I go over to Michele and check her wounds. She'll probably live. I pop a syrette and jab it into her neck, and the miracle drug goes to work. She stands up, apparently no worse for wear. She probably didn't mean to give me shitty guns, it was just a fluke. I'll give her another chance. We part ways, me for the bus stop and her for her home on whore island.